Jo's Cafe

People around me got to see my emotional wall slip this past week.  They watched as I walked through my day with the fear that had gripped my life dripping off me.  They walked around me as my glazed eyes told them I wasn’t in America; but my mind on a battlefield oceans away.

I don’t show my fear at work – but this week I let my facade slip.

We all know fear.  Someone sneaks up on you and startles you; your heart races, your eyes widden, and the adrenalin rush courses through you.  You chuckle when you realize the joke and move on. 

Put imagine those feels settling in on you and staying for 24 hours. 

Exhausts the hell out of you; and your wall slips.

It started earlier in the week with my normal morning trip to the BBC News website.  Overnight middle east news is already being reported and this day the news set in the fear and that cracked my wall.

Three US Soldiers were injured in Kabul from a suicide bomber attack.  “Minor” injuries, but injured anyway (more on that below).  The story read through and my mind began to race.

My heart skipped into high gear, my stomach lurched to the bottom and my limbs froze.  When I tried to get up to prepare my breakfast, my eyes wouldn’t move from the computer screen.  I had to force my feet to take one step at a time, as my stomach felt like a boulder and my arms heavy. Although my heart was going a mile a minute, my body and mind had come to a screeching hault.

Was he in the truck?  He likes to drive; he pulls rank.

Is he okay? 

What hospital were they taken to? 

Why hasn’t he called?

There is no way to call to check.  No one I can reach out to.  Somehow I had to function and get through it.  Going to work was going to be my best option.  If I stayed home, it would have driven me mad.

Every time the receptionist called me, I feared the Colonol was in the lobby with bad news.  I called his sister to let her know something might be up, don’t let mom watch the news.

Frantically I fired off an e-mail for him to call me.

And waited.

Food wasn’t appealing at all, but a diabetic has to eat.  I forced it down at lunch and threw half of it way.

As the minutes ticked by, work distracted me for about 30 seconds, at most.  I kept an eye on the news sites, as the horrible murder in Amish country dominated now.

Where was he?

Was he hurt?  Was one of his hurt and he was with them?

Why hasn’t he called?

Somehow I slept.  Fitfully at best.

The next morning – I continued my wait.

Then at 6:30 am my cell-phone rang. 

It was him.  My heart lept, my stomach reset itself, my limbs loosened up.

I answered and he said, “What?”  He’d gotten my email.

He wasn’t in Kabul at the time.

And worst of all – the event that had shut down my life for 24 hours had happened three days prior.

Oh and minor injuries my ass.  One soldier was rushed to Germany for surgery.

My day moved forward; but I knew someone else was living in the grip of fear that day.

Category : Afghanistan, Military, The Owner | Tags :